Dear Diary

I don't know why I'm bothering to share all of this. I would post this on my journal blog, but this pretty much encapsulates everything I was thinking over the weekend, so read on if you're so inclined....

I was at Ryan Reid's sweet 4-year old birthday party yesterday and I got the question, "so how long does it take you to write all that stuff on your blog?" I know you're dying to know (I've actually been asked that several times), and the answer is it probably takes me about a half hour to an hour to come up with my posts. I think that is pretty much the range on all of them because even when the post is mostly just a bunch of links to other articles, I'm reading a lot of stuff to finally sift through everything and post that stuff up. Sometimes I take a little bit longer because I want the content to be what I want, or the layout to be just right. For instance, the post on pornography was one that took me about 2 hours. Same with the Britney picture story. Some people watch TV, and I write on my blog.

For me it's been a mostly cathartic mechanism that helps me to formulate my thoughts better. I've really enjoyed doing it. More and more I'm realizing that somewhere down the line with my life's work I hope that I can incorporate some amount of writing into whatever it is that I end up doing. A lot of times I feel like my posts are just thrown together. Mostly I concentrate on getting my points across, not so much on how it's said. Ideally, I wish that I could post on a blog with multiple contributors and we all take time to come up with well-crafted posts maybe once a week or something like that.

Today I was even realizing that some day this might turn into one of those blogs where I talk about my wife and kids and all that good stuff. I'd love for that to happen some time. Who knows when that's ever going to happen though.

So the guy I mentioned some time back who just got up one day and ran a marathon...I found out last week when he came into town that he did it in 4.5 hours. 4.5 hours people!!! He didn't train or anything like that. It made me mad. That means he averaged about 5.8 mph, or a 10.5 minute mile. I was also realizing that he weighs about 130-140 lbs, so the amount of work that he actually has to do is signficantly less than what I would have to do being about 50 lbs heavier than he is. It made me realize that I probably could drop 10 lbs and really help my cause. I'm enjoying running a lot more in my older years though. The first ten minutes are always about all the aches and pains I'm feeling. My left arch is really sore...That ankle I sprained two summers ago still feels stiff...My left shin feels like I have shin splints...That's probably from me compensating for a stiff ankle, or aching arch, or both...My mouth is dry...I should have drank more water...It's a lot harder to run in middle of the day than it is at night.

Then I finally reach the point where I'm warmed up and into the flow of the run and it's so great. I'm able to think, relax, and really just enjoy the run. It's going to be hard to run for 4-5 hours, but I think it's just one of those personal accomplishments that I'll always be proud of. It's so nice to have a goal to work toward and after so much time toiling and laboring to get there, when you finally do it, it's really just so gratifying. I'm looking forward to that feeling. Want to join me? You still have a chance.

I love the scriptures. I love church stuff in general. When I get completely absorbed by the scriptures, a class, or whatever it might be, it's amazing to me the thoughts that would have never been able to come unless I had directed my attention to attracting and feeling the spirit. For instance, yesterday I was studying Nephi's take on the tree of life and for the first time ever I noticed that the great and spacious building was founded on not just pride, but the vain imaginations of the world. The cross reference goes to Jeremiah 7:24 and I started to think about what imaginations I come up with that prevent me from moving forward, like the children of Israel. I would have never had those thoughts come to my mind if I hadn't been studying the scriptures.

Serving a mission is so great because it feels like the entire two years is full of those kind of experiences where thoughts arise that just would have never come under any other circumstances. It should be obvious, but it still amazes me that the only times that I can get those similar kind of clarity of mind is when I'm intently searching.

I've been having a lot of insights lately. It has been really gratifying. You know that whole languages of love thing? I think in the last week or so I have finally just rediscovered what it is that I need from other people. I think I usually express in quality time and words of affirmation. Now I'm not sure what category this would fall under, but I mostly just need whomever I'm with to just ask questions and show a genuine interest in me. And it doesn't matter how much I hear a person say, "I like hearing what you're thinking," I don't actually interpret that interest unless the questions are being asked. It's a big part of the reason why I come off as quiet for a lot of people because the fact is that I pretty much just don't open up until I can sense that awareness and genuine interest in me as a person. It's one of my own neurotic insecurities that I just don't freely express myself until I get asked thoughtful, probing questions. I just need that and if it's not happening, then I either just don't open up or I look for it elsewhere. I don't know why it's taken me so long to rediscover that, but I've figured it out again.

I love love love the people in my life.