Oh TV, How I've Missed You!

Dear TV,

Man, I have really missed you. I didn't think it would be so hard, and I thought that I could get by with just a steady diet of sports, reality TV shows, and midseason replacements, but I miss you. I ache for my regularly scheduled programs. It really was a big blow when Heroes had to cut its season short, basically in half. I didn't think you would ever do that to me. Especially to such an important part of my normal TV diet, with a show that I've become so enamored with over only its first two seasons. I just didn't see that coming. And you know how much I love comic book movies and related TV shows. How could you think that wouldn't cut me so deeply? That one really hurt.

Then it only got worse from there. And it's not even like I watch all that much TV. All I'm really asking for is one good solid TV night a week and some scattered goodness here and there. Maybe something that I can have recorded on my DVR that I can get to when I have something to eat, just so I wouldn't have to be alone, but you wouldn't even give me that.

Instead you tried to pawn off My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad like I wouldn't even notice. What was that even about??? Did you really think that would satisfy my hunger pains? especially after you got me hooked on Pushing Daisies? Who knew that Kristin Chenoweth would make such a smooth transition from Broadway to Network Television? You did TV, that's who. I'll admit that bringing back American Gladiators was a smooth move. You know how much I love Hulk Hogan - and I am a real American.



What hurt me the most, however, was that you took away from me my entire Thursday night lineup. You know that I look forward to my TV-palooza nights as much as anything else. I'm not talking about Grey's Anatomy. I may be a borderline 'mo, but at least I'm a somewhat masculine one (most of the time). I'm talking about my fully nourishing diet of My Name Is Earl, The Office, Scrubs, and 30 Rock. Somehow you packed the perfect programming punch those blessed nights. I got all of my RDA of TV from that night alone. I need my nutriets, baby! I need you.

Last night while playing soccer I wasn't having the greatest time. Sure, it was fun to run around and play. I'll always enjoy it, but something felt off. I played on Dave's team most of the night and he was dribbling the ball upfield, passed it off, and then yelled for the guy to "pull it harder!" And with an alertness that I could not at all anticipate, he That's-What-She-Said his own statement in the middle of the game. I couldn't believe my freakin' ears. Who has that kind of presence of mind? I was completely incapacitated; I just couldn't stop laughing. And then I remembered that we have Michael Scott to thank for that line of humor. Sure it was popular before, but that show made that line so mainstream. That's what you do for us TV. Even when you've left me you still have a lasting effect on me. I wish I could have quit you.

But tonight you're coming back with a full hour of My Name Is Earl. No, this season hasn't been as entertaing as last season, but I'll take anything right now. And next week you're giving me back my Office. I wish I had more pride and could say no to you, but I can't. I don't know how you're going to salvage this final season of Scrubs for me, but I don't care anymore. I need you. I need your TV energy to ignite the chlorophyll within me so I can live. I don't think I can survive without you stimulating the photosynthesis within my heart.

I don't care what happened in the last six months anymore. Yes, you cut me to the bone. But let's just start over. Just you and me, tonight curled up together like two spoons, so close that no one else can tell where you stop and I begin. Let's try this again. We'll make it work.

Your Helpless Love Slave,

Chris

Independence Day

So...Transformers never happened, and in lieu of Transformers Dave and I were dorks and played videogames until 2 in the morning, which turned out to be more frustrating than fun. As a result of that, I couldn't get up early enough to go to any kind of patriotic celebrations, but I think we did a good job of incorporating great American traditions:

barbeque

super gay pictures at the beach

whiffleball

horseshoes

and the timeless American tradition, watching the drunk guy resist arrest

This was the exclamation point on a wonderful day.

Here's the story: Behind where we were setup, this guy and his two little girls had been camped out as well. While enjoying the beach and playing with his girls, he did what any responsible parent would do and begins pounding cold ones all day long, until eventually he's so inebriated that he can't really even stand up. The lifeguards begin notifying the police and so two female officers make their way over.

They begin what I imagine to be an incoherent, non-sensical conversation with this man whose little girls by now have gone somewhere else, I have no idea where (the girls in this story were like 8 and 12, so not completely helpless, but old enough to be scarred for life, I'm sure). After a minute or two, they ask him to open up his backpack, and now he starts to get belligerent.

He refuses. They tell him to open it or they will put him under arrest, so he obliges through non-compliance and they start to handcuff him. They handcuff one arm, but then he starts struggling and so they try to pin him on the ground. Now being overpowered, the female officers resort to their tazers and he probably got like three good five second bursts of tazers to the neck and back. And like a mother lifting a car off her bruised and battered child, he is endowed with a sudden burst of strength and fluidity of motion, only this is so he can begin his run away from the officers down to the shore.

Looking spry and nimble he's pumping his arms with one handcuff dangling, and for a second I think anyone watching was thinking this guy might get away. And then remembering his blood alcohol level was probably whole numbers at this point, he begins teetering and plows headlong into the sand after about 100 yards. The officers catch up and one of them pulls out some kind of rod and is striking him almost like you'd strike an annoying little brother with one of those water noodles you buy at Costco, not really wanting to hurt but letting him know you're there. Still fighting, the man might have gotten away again if about 100 other policemen didn't converge. Then some male officers subdue him by planting a foot firmly on his ear, pinning his head to the ground and finally finishing the job.

Although we didn't get to really see much of the fireworks because there were no nearby displays, I think that was probably my favorite 4th of July ever.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unusual Concert Happenings

Yeah...I had mentioned awhile ago that I would post some funny occurrences at concerts. I don't know if they're that funny when you weren't the one who went, but for the sake of the few who read this blog and who were actually there at these concerts, then you'll appreciate this:

• Warped Tour, 1998 - It was the night after Grad night and we had all been up most of the night and went to the all day affair at what was then referred to as...the Meadows. And there we met with the secret society known as...The Pentaverate. Sorry. But it was called the Irvine Meadows. We all had disposable cameras with the last pictures we would take with many of our friends from the night before, only to hear guitars blazing from one of the stages which were easily identified as belonging to our favorite band playing that day, Strung Out. They refused to allow us to take in these cameras (because we also brought backpacks full of food), so we just tossed everything so that we could get inside and not miss anymore of the show. So much for the memories. That's not the good part though. I think I got about 100+ stickers, and 10+ cds for free. So awesome. Strung Out, Bad Religion, AFI, Deftones, Cheater, Hi-Standard, and a bunch of others played. Why I bring all this up though was that after about 6 hours of being all dusty and sweaty from hanging out with a couple thousand other concert-goers (who are generally not clean people to begin with) we finish the day going to see Hi-Standard. We all sported bare chests in true punk rawk fashion. They were not a big band at all, but they have some fun songs. What was so startling/awesome was that after being there all day long, the crowd was overwhelmed by Japanese guys. Like several hundred. It was so weird because we had been there all day long and never noticed a large throng of asian guys, but here they all were, in full force supporting their boys from Tokyo. So cool. Plus, I remember them all wearing bandanas like the one Mr. Miyagi gives Daniel in Karate Kid and ones with the rising sun on them. I know you think I'm just stereotyping, but they really were wearing those bandanas. And, those are my people so I can stereotype all I want. So I drive a japanese made car, am really good at video games, and good at math. Just staying true to form. At least that half that's Japanese.
  
• Lagwagon, 1998 - So my best friend, Dave, has a play that he has the lead for. Really cool, huh? Except, I decide that I'd rather go to a concert than see him play the lead. You know...I feel like there was a pretty good reason I didn't go the night before. But I feel bad for not going. But I didn't then. Funny how that happens. In any case, I'm leaving his house to go to the show and his front door faces the street and my car is parked within view of the hallway of his house. As I'm heading out, I thought it would be funny if, for dramatic effect, I stare at him while accelerating off quickly. Me, being an idiot, had put the car in reverse which was a complete surprise to Dave as well as myself. Lurching backward, rather than forward, I back into the family van and wreck the grill. About a week before I'm about to shell out money to make the repairs, the van gets stolen. A 10 year old van with 100,000+ miles on it with no emergency brake. I still maintain my innocence. I go with only 2 other friends to see Lagwagon, but it takes us about 2 1/2 hours to make what should be a 45 minute trip. Within a 5 mile stretch, there were 3 accidents. All 3 of us feeling a lot of frustration, listen to Rage Against the Machine on the way to the show, and that turned out to be almost as fun as the concert itself. And then with hours of pent up energy, we go to one of the funnest shows I've ever been. One of those where you're in the crowd and your arms are tired afterwards because people are pushing so hard to get as close to the stage as possible.
  
• Strung Out, 1998- They played one last summer show which happened to be about the week before we first went up to BYU. We went with like 10-15 guys and we lose Billy Nelson. He emerges after everything is said and done and he has no shirt on. Someone says, "Bill, what happened to your shirt? (Look of bewilderment) "I have no idea." I just love that response. It was like he didn't even realize that he lost it.


• Unwritten Law, 2002 - A couple of times we popped down to Vegas from school to meet some of our California friends to see a show at the House of Blues. One of these times we go see the show, have a great time, and we all went to O'Shea's across the street from Ceasar's Palace because they have dollar tables. I have never gambled due to the fact that once I get really excited about something, I have no control and will lose myself to addiction. As evidenced by this blog. Plus, I think it totally warps your value of money. You kind of have to be around gambling to really understand that. And this was pre-specific recent council to not gamble. Anyway...so my high-roller friends are playing the dollar tables, doubling down on 11 with their $1 bets, and the guitarist and bassist from Unwritten Law join them at the table. So cool. Going to see a show at the House of Blues, $20. Playing blackjack at O'Shea's, $1. Playing blackjack at O'Shea's with the band who you came to see, priceless. It might have been a different Vegas show, but while watching the water show at the Bellagio, some girls start freaking out and ask us to take a picture of them with Linkin Park, who happened just to be standing right next to us watching the water dance to Andre Bochelli. Random.


• Yellowcard, 2004 - This was over Thanksgiving Break here in Irvine. So...I have this uncanny ability to be able to fall asleep ANYWHERE. I mean, ANYWHERE. I don't think of myself as a sleepy person, but basically, if I sit still long enough I will just get tired and can fall asleep. And it's a choosing thing too. It's not like I'm narcoleptic. It's kind of like if a reptile gets really cold, its body will shut down and go into a type of suspended animation. They do that, right? I would be an X-man if I could figure out how to sleep-fight, but until then, I'm just well-rested. Anyway, it is UNBELIEVABLY loud in the Bren Events Center. And Yelloward still has a couple of opening bands before they get on. And I go into the stands and I totally take a cat-nap until the appointed time. It might not seem that amazing, but try going to a small venue where a dozen speakers are propped up above your head, and then you'll know what I'm talking about. When you can suffer through a nap while acquiring tinnitus, then come talk to me and we'll have a sleep off.