Oh TV, How I've Missed You!

Dear TV,

Man, I have really missed you. I didn't think it would be so hard, and I thought that I could get by with just a steady diet of sports, reality TV shows, and midseason replacements, but I miss you. I ache for my regularly scheduled programs. It really was a big blow when Heroes had to cut its season short, basically in half. I didn't think you would ever do that to me. Especially to such an important part of my normal TV diet, with a show that I've become so enamored with over only its first two seasons. I just didn't see that coming. And you know how much I love comic book movies and related TV shows. How could you think that wouldn't cut me so deeply? That one really hurt.

Then it only got worse from there. And it's not even like I watch all that much TV. All I'm really asking for is one good solid TV night a week and some scattered goodness here and there. Maybe something that I can have recorded on my DVR that I can get to when I have something to eat, just so I wouldn't have to be alone, but you wouldn't even give me that.

Instead you tried to pawn off My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad like I wouldn't even notice. What was that even about??? Did you really think that would satisfy my hunger pains? especially after you got me hooked on Pushing Daisies? Who knew that Kristin Chenoweth would make such a smooth transition from Broadway to Network Television? You did TV, that's who. I'll admit that bringing back American Gladiators was a smooth move. You know how much I love Hulk Hogan - and I am a real American.



What hurt me the most, however, was that you took away from me my entire Thursday night lineup. You know that I look forward to my TV-palooza nights as much as anything else. I'm not talking about Grey's Anatomy. I may be a borderline 'mo, but at least I'm a somewhat masculine one (most of the time). I'm talking about my fully nourishing diet of My Name Is Earl, The Office, Scrubs, and 30 Rock. Somehow you packed the perfect programming punch those blessed nights. I got all of my RDA of TV from that night alone. I need my nutriets, baby! I need you.

Last night while playing soccer I wasn't having the greatest time. Sure, it was fun to run around and play. I'll always enjoy it, but something felt off. I played on Dave's team most of the night and he was dribbling the ball upfield, passed it off, and then yelled for the guy to "pull it harder!" And with an alertness that I could not at all anticipate, he That's-What-She-Said his own statement in the middle of the game. I couldn't believe my freakin' ears. Who has that kind of presence of mind? I was completely incapacitated; I just couldn't stop laughing. And then I remembered that we have Michael Scott to thank for that line of humor. Sure it was popular before, but that show made that line so mainstream. That's what you do for us TV. Even when you've left me you still have a lasting effect on me. I wish I could have quit you.

But tonight you're coming back with a full hour of My Name Is Earl. No, this season hasn't been as entertaing as last season, but I'll take anything right now. And next week you're giving me back my Office. I wish I had more pride and could say no to you, but I can't. I don't know how you're going to salvage this final season of Scrubs for me, but I don't care anymore. I need you. I need your TV energy to ignite the chlorophyll within me so I can live. I don't think I can survive without you stimulating the photosynthesis within my heart.

I don't care what happened in the last six months anymore. Yes, you cut me to the bone. But let's just start over. Just you and me, tonight curled up together like two spoons, so close that no one else can tell where you stop and I begin. Let's try this again. We'll make it work.

Your Helpless Love Slave,

Chris