Content with the Things Allotted Unto Me

I've been thinking about that phrase a lot lately. Time and age is an interesting variable when it comes to that thought because so much of our discontent revolves around not having things pan out when we want them to, whether it is not being married when you had expected to be, having to wait to start having children, wanting to be able to move into the next phase for a career, or a number of different things. I was thinking about this yesterday because yesterday was my boss's 39th birthday.

I love her. She's a very smart, very capable woman and probably one of the most understanding people I've ever been able to work for. And I've worked with some pretty great people. She is the HR Director for a good size company, about 500 employees, with millions and millions of dollars in assets. Yesterday, however, she was feeling a little let down with how timing has worked out in her life. She's still single, never been married, and doesn't have any children. This past weekend she went to two baby showers and I think with the 40th birthday being the next one coming, she was just feeling her age and a little bit saddened by the fact that she hasn't been able to have her own family yet. At the end of the day yesterday I dropped by her office to ask her how she was feeling because I kind of had an idea that she wasn't all that excited about it being her birthday. I then started to relate with her about feeling some of that pressure as well.

I think everyone is entitled to feel that anxiety, if only occassionally, about not having what it is that he or she is longing for inside. The other day I was fasting and part of what I was fasting for was to express gratitude for all of the things that was going on at that point; part of what I was feeling so grateful about when I started that fast was for meeting someone who I thought was worth getting to know, and I was excited to see what was going to happen with her. That was at the outset of the fast. That night is when I had the conversation with her, and that evening and the next day I returned to my prayers not feeling the same vigor I had started my fast with when I thought things were going well with the girl. And then I started to realize that while I was excited about that prospect, my overall sense of gratitude and appreciation wasn't contingent on my dating status. It really disgusted me to think that for a moment, I had been feeling exactly that. I don't think I've ever been a person that has derived any of my feelings of self-worth based on whether or not I was dating someone. I had to recommit that this time would be no different. Sometimes it takes some time to get yourself settled and really, truly feeling content with the things allotted unto you.

It's hard to feel that all the time. One time when I was at my peak anxiety about marriage, or lack thereof, was about a year and a half ago after going to an institute activity. I went to the building and it was some kind of movie night. With the room darkened, I couldn't really identify the people that had attended that evening. When the lights came on, however, I looked around and I was really fixated on the age of the girls there, and several of the guys who came too - the girls were averaging about 19-20, the guys older, with several being up into their 30s. I remember just feeling filled with anxiety, thinking about how there was not one girl there who I felt interested in, and then looking at the older guys and wondering if that was what the future had in store for me. It felt almost like I had my ghost of Christmas Present and Future standing right there with me helping me realize the despair of my situation.

To be honest, I really don't know exactly how I got over those feelings of panic. It has definitely been a process, but I really do have a lot to look forward to and I can say with full sincerity that I'm glad things have gone the way they have. I have an opportunity to redo graduate school, I've made lots of great friends, and had good opportunities to serve in ways that might not have been possible if things had worked out previously. I do realize that many of these benefits could probably have been available to me in addition to being married, but I think that's the key right there - I am really content with the things allotted unto me and wouldn't have them any other way.

I wanted to include this talk from General Conference in April 2000 by Elder Maxwell, with the same title, Content with the Things Allotted Unto Us. As always with Elder Maxwell, there are a million gems embedded within the entire talk, but I'll include just these...I'm realizing that I want to just cut and paste the whole talk, but these are some of my favorite excerpts:

Being content means acceptance without self-pity. Meekly borne, however, deprivations such as these can end up being like excavations that make room for greatly enlarged souls...

Incremental improvement is, therefore, the order of the day, and it clearly requires the accompaniment of the Lord's long-suffering as we struggle to learn the necessary lessons...

Life's necessary defining moments come within our allotments, and we make "on the record" choices within these allotments. Our responses are what matters. Sufficient unto each life are the tests thereof! (see Matt. 6:34)...

Hence, we can and "ought to be content with the things allotted to us," being circumstantially content but without being self-satisfied and behaviorally content with ourselves (see 3 Ne. 12:48; 27:27; Matt. 5:48).

Such contentment is more than shoulder-shrugging passivity. It reflects our participative assent rather than uncaring resignation.

Go and read the whole thing. Anyway...just some of the things I've been thinking about that you all are so privileged/burdened with taking part in.