Friday, July 9, 2010

Let Me Get That Knife Out Of Your Back, Cleveland

Seriously, I am loving the Lebron carnage. I have followed sports all of my life, and while I can't really remember the significance of Roger Clemens leaving the Red Sox, I don't think there has ever been another athlete who was so beloved by everyone in the whole world that got turned into a pariah faster and more emphatically than Lebron James has in the last 24 hours. It's unreal.

And I love it. I can't get enough of it. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. In the last few years, whenever YOUR basketball team lost out, usually everyone jumped on the Cleveland bandwagon and rooted for The King and his Cavaliers. Now, the Miami Heat are more the Yankees of basketball than even the Lakers. After winning his fifth NBA title, Kobe has managed to have his status raised to infinity because Lebron did what Kobe would never do, even when he threatened to do it for one lame-brained offseason - leave his team in dire straits. It's beautiful, really. I cannot get enough of this.

Fan reaction to The Decision. How funny/sad is that?

Bill Simmons has been documenting the carnage, and here are some of the emails that his readers have been sending in (these are actual emails):

City: Bowling Green
Name: Rob Schuster

Like dangling an engagement ring in front of your long time girlfriend, then getting on your knee at the bar and proposing to a girl you met last week. Completely destroyed.

City: L.A., (from OHIO)
Name: Collin

Explain to me why I should care about sports when the savior of my city turns out to be a false prophet.

City: Atlanta, Ga.
Name: Eric Retter

Closest example to what LeBron did with Cleveland: Instead of proposing to your girlfriend, dumping your wife on the Jumbotron. At the Super Bowl.

City: Cleveland
Name: Dave

How does someone recover from this? My father will be dead before a Cleveland team wins a title.

City: Fair Lawn, N.J.
Name: Jessica

You know how happy Carrie looked at the prom? And when the pig's blood was dumped on her you couldn't help but empathize? And when she went on her rampage you were actually kinda rooting for her? That's how I feel about the city of Cleveland right now.

**ME SPEAKING***This one is my personal favorite...
City: Anywhere USA
Name: Name Withheld

This is the day he went from being a lovable superstar trying to reach his potential to enemy number one. I want the Knicks to bring back Charles Oakley and Xavier McDaniel on 10-day contracts to injure him. I want Kobe Bryant (yes, Kobe!) to destroy him so badly every time they play that he loses confidence Rick Ankiel style. I want him to lose in the first round and then break his leg in the off season, only to see Wade and Bosh win without him (and have him screw up the chemistry when he comes back). I want him to join the French World Cup soccer team. I want him to go into the stands and attack a child in a wheelchair. I want it to come out that he was point shaving. I want Cleveland fans to throw urine water balloons at him. I want Castro to annex Miami. I want Florida income taxes to spike to 73%. I want the Bulls to beat the Heat by 50 points every time they play. And I want LeBron's father to come out of the woodwork and say "You've brought shame on me and our family." This has moved me from the NBA fence to a die-hard Premier League fan. Goodbye NBA!

City: New Canaan, Conn.
Name: Peter Kirschenbaum

I am a lifetime Heat fan. Last night: Mixed emotions. This free agency has been like winning two different lotterys. When Wade and Bosh chose the Heat, it felt like winning a $5 million dollar lotto jackpot. Having LeBron pick the Heat feels like winning the powerball mega million. Now nobody likes you and all of the sudden you have all these bandwagon fake friends wanting to hang out since you're finally worth something. You can't enjoy your money anymore because everyone wants a piece. Am I happy about winning the powerball? Yes, of course. Is it wrong though, that I feel like I might've been better off just winning the $5 million jackpot?

City: Minneapolis, Minn.
Name: Joe

Last night may have been the best PR moment for Kobe in his entire career. How many people are, just like me, going to be rooting for Kobe to tear LeBron apart on the court after that disgusting, narcissistic spectacle last night? LeBron really pulled off something to 'AMAZE' me last night ... he made Kobe 10 times more likable at 10 p.m. last night than 3 weeks ago.

City: Akron, Ohio
Name: Kevin Heffernan

Please elevate Cleveland to #1 on your Levels of Losing list. I want to be #1 in SOMETHING.

We had a LeBronfire last night ... I burned everything I own with his name on it.

My wife could sleep with my father and I wouldn't feel this betrayed.

Born here. Raised here. Played here. Betrayed here.

City: Oakland
Name: Frank

I'm trying to figure out where I've had a feeling like this before. Then I remembered: This reminds me of Hulk Hogan at the moment he drops the big boot on the Macho Man Randy Savage to team with the Outsiders (Scott Hall and Kevin Nash) and essentially form the nWo. These are the only two times when I have said to myself "No! Why are you doing this! Evil! Evil! EVILLLL!"

Isn't it great? I love sports. I love all of this drama and carnage. It's so awesome. I had no idea this would all turn out like this.

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