I don't know if I mentioned this on my blog yet, but I tend to look at a lot of things in terms of resumes and work experience lately. One of the things that I've been thinking about is that people should have dating resumes. Married people, stay with me on this one because I know you may not feel like this applies as much to you. I told Karen about this and then she just said, eharmony baby, and then I felt dumb. But I don't want just a personality match or a match on common interests. I think previous dating history/experience really goes a long way in determining the kind of person that gets into the next relationship. Granted, people don't always take away the lessons that are supposed to be learned from the experiences that they have, but having those opportunities at least gets them to the point where they at least have a chance to mature. Right?
In any case, being 27 years old and single in the mormon dating world makes me wary of the kind of people that I want to date. I don't want to date someone who hasn't had any significant relationships. I want to date someone who can be serious about dating, but who isn't totally traumatized by their past. This is where the resume comes in. Previous work experience, so to speak, would be highly relevant. I could see things like relationship stability, or lack thereof. It's helpful to know what a person has been through. It says a lot about what that person will eventually be. Agreed?
Anyway, as I ponder these things I've come across some interesting posts on relationships or dating. I've heard of some lists that people have and I think at this point in my life, lists are no longer relevant. Mostly it just becomes a huge epic poem about some person that just isn't going to materialize anymore. Or something where expectations are entirely too lofty considering that as an older young single adult, you should be broadening your horizons not narrowing them, given that the pool of eligible singles is shrinking over time. I think having this rigid outline limits us in our ability to see what might be sitting right before us. Not that a person should ever settle, but I think the biggest thing is that you just flat out don't know in 10 years what is going to be most important to you because you don't know how your life experiences will dictate your understanding of what is most valuable. What you thought was so important 1 year or 5 years ago probably isn't exactly the same as what it is now. Have you guys ever seen the movie Singles? It's a perfectly 90s movie about relationships and the character played by Bridget Fonda starts with a huge list of what it is that she's looking for in a guy. And then at the end she cuts it down to someone just saying "gesundheit" after a sneeze, although "bless you" is more preferrable. But check out this list and draw your own conclusions about the kind of person who makes a list like this:
The List
1. Over 6'2'
2. 180-230 lbs
3. Good job, over $80k/year
4. nice car
5. ready to buy a house
6. health insurance (must include dental, chiropractic, and optometry)
7. prays everyday, twice
8. reads scriptures
9. likes the Beatles
10. honest, chaste, benevolent, virtuous
11. Creative/artistic ability
12. plays guitar
13. strong sexual appetite
14. sensitive and understands my needs
15. good listener and communicator
16. social and likes parties
17. laid back and go with the flow
18. Take control kind of guy, type A
19. Nurturing and good father, loves kids
20. Able to get along with my parents
21. Huge life insurance policy
22. high job security
23. 4 year degree, hopefully MD or JD
24. can change oil, flat tire, hang heavy mirrors on walls
25. can cook me meals on a whim
26. loves to go shopping with me
27. hard working
28. magnifies his calling
29. good dresser
30. goes to the gym frequently
31. 401k
32. Must be a gift giver
33. Loves to travel
The blogger with this list doesn't have permalinks for her posts, or else I would have just linked it. But is that list asking a lot? To her credit, she comes to the same conclusion that lists are limiting. Another friend of mine gave me a list and hers was even more stringent. I thought this post by Farrah was especially insightful. I guess I've just been thinking a lot about relationships lately. For me, it had been a long time since I've been involved and I had forgotten how cool it is that it requires a person to open up and be less self-absorbed. It's stretching and rewarding all at the same time. These are just some thoughts.
3 comments:
I don't think it requires a relationship to be less self-focused. Although it does require you have fewer expectations of reciprocity.
Of all the times it is going to be good to give of yourself, the time that you're single is it. We can serve one another frequently or casually and it will be seen as nothing more than an act of kindness, when in the future, it may be more of a duty.
I met the man who filled all (ALL!) the criteria on my 17 year-old list. He wasn't temple-worthy. Lists are not a solution. Knowing the condition of someone's heart, is.
Maybe I didn't make myself quite clear...I agree in that I don't think people require relationships to be less selfish, but in order for the relationship to properly function it does require that a person be less self-centered. Make sense?
And I have a hard time distinguishing those kind acts of service done before the relationship because at least for guys, it always seems a means to an end. The end being getting something out of the service, whether it's just carnal or relationship-oriented. For me, it's almost easier to do servicey things while dating someone because then it isn't autmatically assigned an ulterior motive by the receiver.
That's actually my favourite thing about being in a relationship- being able to do a lot for someone else with no risk of appearing like you have an ulterior motive/means to an end...shhh...but don't tell anyone. I like them to think they have to work for it.
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